i'm just trying to justify my hypocrisy

Apparently the phrase 'grow some balls' has been thrown around the blogosphere quite often recently. Dammit I coined that phrase how come it can spread since I have like 5 readers only. I want royalties!! Rawr.

Oh, and I just found out that I have a weakness for cheeky, athletic girls. Notice that I mentioned have a weakness, not in love or anything so don't start whatever miserable celebration you have in mind, all of you who for some twisted reason want to see me attached. Besides, apparently I look and speak exactly like her brother. -_-" Potong stim right haih how to chase now without feeling like an incestuous bastard.

I think I should stop being so friendly. Seriously. People kept misinterpreting my actions as me wanting to be more than friends and well...let's just say it isn't easy to drop the bomb. Okay fine I was harmlessly flirtatious to a certain extent (or so I thought) but I was just indulging in one of the more subtle benefits of being single!

Or maybe deep down inside I was just grabbing at anyone nearby just to fill the hole that was left by the flying shit that flew months ago and then deny them when the hole no longer needs to be occupied. I know this sounds cruel, but I did a survey - yes, a survey, putting people (avoiding pretentious self righteous bastards at ALL COSTS) in my shoes and asking them to pick an option. Their replies weren't surprising at all.

You decide whether I'm a bastard or not. I'm done trying to psychoanalyse myself to oblivion because every time I do the depression comes back and I subsequently lock myself up with an unhealthy supply of Oreos and Bonnie McKee songs, which is really really bad for my diet and mental conditioning I'm not losing flab at all wtf.

a silver lining in every cloud and all that crap

Remember the flying shit that got me this close to running away from it all? It was barely more than half a year ago but memories of the suffocating depression is now nothing more than a wisp.

And why you ask. Because the past two weeks have been ..awesome.

XD

maybe next time i should assume a fake identity

"Shze Li!"

The girl whose name I called out spun around stared at me blankly, her face registrating no recognition at all.

I chuckled. "You don't remember me, do you?"

"Um...sorry, no."

"I'm Thomas."

The blank look remained.

"Kin Weng's friend from PFS?"

Have you ever heard of the phrase, 'The realisation dawned upon me?' I find that phrase a very befitting one, because watching her face contort from a blank slate of confusion to a open mouthed 'O' of shock to the one of sudden realisation and recognition is like watching an onrushing dawn at the horizon in five seconds flat.

I never grow tired of these reactions.

"OHMYGOD. THOMAS TING??"

"The one and only."

"BUT YOU LOOK SOOOOO DIFFERENT!!"

I won't be pretentious here. I loved having these reactions from people because they are the most blatant testimony of how much I have transformed over the years from a scrawny bespectacled kid in my freshman year of college to someone who is well, a lot easier on the eyes. An evolution of sorts, if you will.

Having been on the receiving end of many compliments lately, especially from people whom I've met for a mere few days is seriously an ego masturbation, but none of them could even come close to the full-blown reactions that my old acquaintances get when they realised that the person standing in front of them was that skinny nerd they knew back in school.

Standing next to Shze Li was, by the biggest of coincidences, a girl whom I went to national service with (turns out later that both of them are best friends). Having been politely observing the banter between Shze Li and I, I assumed that she couldn't recognise me either.

"Elaine! It's been a while."

Same blank look, except that this time she tried to humour me by pretending that she does recognise me while trying her hardest to remember me. She wasn't really good at hiding her bewilderment, though.

"Yes, yes. I'm fine...er, how are you?"

"Heh. You don't remember who I am, do you?"

"Erm...no."

"I'm Thomas."

Blank look.

"From national service?"

Blank look.

"Kem D'Jelapang? I was in the Alpha Team."

And ah one, and ah two, and ah...

"THOMAS?? FROM NATIONAL SERVICE?? OHMYGAAAAWD I CAN'T RECOGNISE YOU AT ALL!!! IT'S BEENTHREEYEARSYOULOOKSOGOODWHATAREYOUDOINGHERE???"

Rinse and repeat. This is really really fun.

matchmaking is not for the big-balled

Speeding along KL highways (in a Viva highly prone to turtle-turns, no less =/) with two bimbos giggling away with McDonald's Madagascar giraffe ears perched on their heads while trying to attract attention from other bewildered drivers is, well, a different kind of driving experience. If I have to be metaphorical I would relate it to riding a tiny scooter with two monkeys doing backward flips on my helmet, and we all know who those monkeys are.

I find it highly unsettling that people are always trying to matchmake me. Like wtf. I actually mulled this issue over and came up with a list of possible reasons that would logically explain their persistance in seeing me attached. So please, if you are one of those or is thinking of introducing me to yet another Coach-toting lass (which kind of backfires, because such display of wealth intimidates me), please! tell me why do you have the need to believe that I have a need for a partner.

Reasons to matchmake me :

1. You are afraid that I would turn gay
And I assume that this fear stems from my increasingly frequent homopobic jokes, the universal warning bells for someone who refuses to come out of the closet. Or that my borderline obsession with the beauty of the male body is starting to disturb you. Or that I made blatant homosexual come-ons to my male friends under the guise of a joke. Or..

I still watch straight porn, so there.

2. You thought that, like many other guys with the obvious lack of a pair of balls, I would be miserable without a girlfriend
Actually I can't blame you for that, with my flair for soap drama emo everytime something goes wrong in la la land. But hey, things always work out in the end because I can always rely on my male ego trying to cheer me up by distracting me with a random fact of life, such as how I have big balls.

3. I look pathetic and desperate for girls
You're fat, flabby and pockmarked by cellulite. Go away.

4. You want to help me achieve financial freedom by getting me a sugar mama
In other words, you want me to be someone's bitch. I am not totally against that, seeing how I have come to put a price on my dignity and all (a Brabus BMW M3), but satsified as I am of my physical characteristics, I doubt that any tai tai out there would readily hand me a RM500,000 car without considering the alternatives of, uh, Zac Effron lookalikes?

Let me digress. A few weeks prior to a cousin's wedding, an aunt of mine spoke passionately about her dear, pretty, rich niece who drives a Smart Forfour and how she is single and lives in a freaking bungalow and she is in heat. Okay, I'm kidding about the last part, but I'm sure that if I let her rant long enough she would eventully come to that. This girl hardly crossed my mind after that (because I'm generally frugal and material possessions mean nothing to me. Unless it's a Brabus M3) until the wedding itself when she actually dragged this poor girl to the table I was sitting at and went

"Here, here. She is the one I've been telling you about. Now you young people make your acquaintances, eh?"

WTF. Out of the blue, and in the midst of the roast duck when I was sure I had sweet and sour sauce all over my mouth. Surely they must have had more matchmaking tact in her days? Or is that the reason why my parents, who are from entirely different worlds, got hitched?

But okay lah she is a looker. And she drives a Forfour!!

There's actually more to this but I have to attend a talk on Sheffield Hallam. I shall bitch more next time. Seeya!

I won't even bother to whine and bitch.

And I promise I won't chain smoke or drink. Or binge on chocolate.

But right now I am closer to tears than I have ever been before in the past few months and it's all because of that styrofoam piece of crap lying at my feet that I am trying so hard not to smash into pieces.

There will be no official test flight video yet. That thing just loves finding new ways to fuck with me.